Mommy/Daddy Issues: Single Parenthood, Marriage, and Family

So my best friend and I had a discussion that ended in us disagreeing on something that we both feel very strong about.  It was weird to me but let me give you some back ground.

My parents got divorced when I was like 7. My dad has been in and out of my life but he hasn't been there continuously.  We are cool now but of course I am working through the issues of my father not being there.

My BF's bio dad and mom got divorced because he had some really bad issues.  She saw some very horrible things growing up.  Then her mom married another guy.  He was a father to her as best he knew how but he was younger and he along with her mother had kids so he focused on those kids just a bit more.  I mean some would see it as wrong  but hey, that's the situation.

So she's messed up because she had dads who weren't there completely and I'm messed up because my dad popped in and out my whole life.

So the point....

We were talking about single parenthood.  She says that just because a child doesn't have both parents, the child can still come out perfectly fine as long as they have love and support from the parent who is there and the friends and family involved. She thinks that single parents can do just as good as a two parent home (mother and father, must say that these days). Her argument was that some kids with two parents come out with the same issues as single parent children.  I agreed with that but here is my point.

I feel that it is selfish for any person who suffered through single parent or a rocky parent (divorce, etc) relationship to not protect themselves so that they won't bring a child into the world into the SAME or worse situations.  I mean this crap happens become the norm.  People just don't plan families anymore.

My argument; EVERY child from a single parent household has some type of issue that they deal with as a result of being left by the parent. Whether it's a girl suffering from lack of confidence because her daddy wasn't there to instill it or man not knowing how to treat a lady.  My Bf didn't agree but I say show me one?  All the single parent kids I know have gone through or are sorting out some type of issue.  I just feel that when a child has two GOOD parents who are working together, they have a better chance at emotional stability and they have a better chance of being a more well rounded individual from the beginning.  Most of the girls that I know who had both a mom and a dad (parents who loved each other and stuck it out through good and bad), have no problems with self esteem, feeling whole, and saying no to sex just for the hell of it.  They have this certain confidence that single parented women have to develop through a self discovery (which comes later in life).  Sorry but in a nutshell, all the hoes I know had single parents.

Having one parent and "friends" and other relatives to help you take care of your baby is NEVER the same as having two loving parents dedicated to shaping you into a well rounded individual.  I had the BEST mom in the whole world.  I mean Cheryl is superwoman! I'm grown and she's still my Shero but she could never replace or ease the pain of my daddy not being there.  The problem is, people think that when you say ONE parent is not enough that you are calling the parent who stepped up inadequate.  I mean they may be silly and immature for picking a horrible mate who wouldn't stick around but no one is dissing the parenting skills.  It's just natural for a child to have two parents.  That's how it was meant to be. Now when it doesn't happen, we deal!  It would be ideal to adopt the kid out to a two parent home but that's unheard of in the Black community.  Single mamas (and father's are on the rise) has become like a badge of honor! Don't CHOOSE that for your child. If it happens, it happens. 

Now am I saying that all single parent kids are screwed up beyond repair? NO! Alls I'm saying is that it's harder, it's unnecessary if people were to plan better (you only have a baby when you WANT to. You know what sex creates even with condoms and birth control-those fail!).  Single parent kids can be ok but they are born into a plethora of issues that they will inevitably have to work through.

Now as a single parented girl, I came out pretty good and I thank God.  I didn't end up a big ole hoe and I have morals and values and a good head on my shoulders.  Though I haven't seen my parents model marriage and family well, I still very much so believe in it and WILL NOT have a baby until I get married.  I wouldn't put a child through it.



Don said...


GREAT read. I was rooting for you, and others who think alike, throughout the post like it was a basketball game or something.

I pretty much grew up without a mother or father. My aunt and grandmother raised my older sister and I. Truth be told, we were a happy family until my father died in another state and our mother forced us to live with her after the funeral services. Our grandmother died six years later.

THAT, is when the problems began.

Or, should I say, the lack of love and support that you speak upon concerning children without a mother or father yet strong family figures.

25champ said...

I agree that you havin two parents is better hypothetically. I grew up n a two parent household and my parents are still married 35yrs and counting. Me, my sis and bro had love and support yet we still had trama. My parents went thru issues that we witnessed and as a result me and my siblings paid the price as children. They wrked out their issues thru the grace of God, but that didn't change what we as children witnessed. Now I was married and now divorced and have custody of my Oldest child while I'm currently with the mother of my baby girl. My oldest does have self esteem issues as did her mom who came from a two parent home I might add. I think children are a product of there enviroment most times and thats why they have issues. Mother N Father present they still will have some trama just different kinds. Good Read!

AtruHollywood said...

We already know how I feel about this!!

Brittany said...

Yes, sis. I agree it is very selfish to choose single parenthood, especially when you know you were screwed up by it or the lack of your biological father. A 2 parent home does not guarantee a perfect child, but the chances of a child with common sense and a bright future are a lot larger. God did not create children to be raised by one parent alone. I pray God works on your friend and you to be understanding and speak life to her.

E said...

Great blog post!I agree with you. I think single parenthood is so rampant especially in our community it's seen as normal and ok. I myself see it as unacceptable FOR ME. But it is acceptable. I've been studying sociology and that statistics are NOT GOOD AT ALL. My upbringing was strange, my parents have been married for 35 years but my father worked in another country for 10 YEARS! So i (and my sister and 2 brothers) was basically raised by my mother until around the age of 11. I saw my father maybe once or twice a year. But when he was home he was the head of the household. He was superman to me. I think my mother did an amazing job raising 4 kids under the age of 10 alone and away from her family in a foreign country and believe me there was an incredible amount of drama (my dad worked in a war torn region, it was unsafe for us to move there but my mother took us all there (out of school) to "get daddy home" for over a year only to learn that my pops had a side piece...DRAMA!!!! lol anyway i said all this to say, my parents have been through a lot but by the grace of God alone they have stood the tests of time and are stronger than ever and i understand that marriage is no joke and neither is parenthood. We are all product of our childhood. And studies show that children raised in a home with a mother and father tend to be more well rounded. I want to raise my kids to be amazing , kind, intelligent people. I pray that i will be in a position to share the burden of parenting with a loving husband. But hey, life is crazy and thing happen that are out of our control- my friend is pregnant with her first child and buried her husband of 10 months in April.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

Interesting post,I also agree that children should not be brought into this world by unprepared parents.
I work with a few single moms and to hear their daily drama concerning the fathers of their children is sad.