Haven’t done this in a while. It’s a shame that my last 3 blogs have started with this sentence. Man I miss this!  I wish I could get paid to write like this every day.  I’d do it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I know why I haven’t written for a while..yeah my computer is broke but when you REALLY want to do something, you will make the time.  You will use the computer at the library or whatever, you will make do.  I don’t have internet at home and the THOUGHT of getting myself up to write a blog sounds appealing until my body reminds me how tired it is.  And I mean TIRED!  Mind, body, soul…

I’m just tired.  Tired of going through, tired of having to talk about it, tired of people giving me the sad face, tired of my tears being misconstrued as  lack of faith.  I find comfort in my tears.  I like them because every time after I cry I feel a release and it’s like I let the despair seep out so that more hope can come in.

Someone said I was depressed lol.  I can see why they said that but I don’t agree.  I’m not always, as of lately (well like the past year) my silly goofy self.  That’s because life got reallllllll serious on me.  When you are faced with the fact that if God doesn’t intervene, you will die because your body has decided that it doesn’t really like you anymore and wants to attack itself, then you begin to think of things differently.  When you are in pain daily and struggle for each breath, have a doctor trying to shove chemo and other meds down your throat and are in consistent pain, you just think of things differently.  Yes. This has changed me. 

But I’m good!  I’m not writing this for anyone to say anything sappy, or to try to make anyone sad for me or write some comment telling me how sorry they are lol.  It’s funny to me.  I was telling my sister how I don’t always like to tell mommy about everything that's going on because she starts crying! Lol.  I’m NOT crying and my mom will start crying.  Or if I AM crying she will start too smh.  It's somtimes kinds cute (and sometimes makes me mad! lol). So I’m talking to my sis about everything a few weeks later, and guess what she does…starts crying! Lol.  I don’t like to make people sad.  It made me sad when my BF told me that looking at me makes her sad and upset because I never look comfortable anymore.  I was like dang!  I guess you never know how much others are affected by your situation.

But I stay encouraged…ok I have my moments of feeling down but I refuse to stay there!  Oh I will get through this and there will be joy and shouting on the other end!  I’m just telling you the real and updating you on my journey.  I thought to not write another blog entry until I was completely healed but that isn’t fair to myself!  Or to my readers.  I love blogging so why would I even punish myself?  I also stopped going out for a while, again not because I was depressed but sometimes you can’t be around any and everybody. 
You can more likely than anything find me in deep thought.  Sometimes you just need to chill and have somber moments with yourself and God.  I’ve had a lot of those.  A lot of reiterating who I know he is when satan tries to whisper in my ear that God doesn’t really love me because if he did, he would have done it already.  In my quiet times with me, myself, and God I pour over his word to remind me that everything is working for my GOOD!  EVERYTHING!

I’m looking for a faith extender.  Something to remind me that God is faithful when I want to doubt.  Something that is a representation of what I can’t do now do to the limits on my health but something I am believing God that I will be able to do once again someday.  If I find one, I will post about it.


Brittany said...

I was just talking to my friend about have like a faith backup generator. You're not going to be 100% all the time in everything you do, but if you have the back up generator. It's different for every person. Anyway, inspired as usual!

Ms. Camile said...

thanks britt! that's a cool concept. in my experience, friends, the word, and worship act as faith generators.