Written: Sunday, January 18, 2009 at 1:13am
So I’m sitting here kicking myself in the butt…
Reflecting on all the times as a child that I wished to be older
I wanted to be a grown up and do the things that grown people do…
You know like
Live in my own house, drive, have a dream job.
Man! If I knew what I know now at 16…13…man even 6, I would have taken deeper breathes,
Played a lot longer, studied harder, thought about certain situations less…
And most of all I wouldn’t have worried so much.
Because at 6 years old I already had worrying down!
I was worried about my freshly divorced mother making ends meet.
Worried about my sick grandparents
And when they passed my mom looked like she would fall apart
So I was worried about her
Worried about my changing surroundings
Worrying all the time!
And today as an almost 23 year old, I find myself worrying…
Worrying all the time!
Will I get accepted into the program?
Can I pass this test?
Am I smart or have I just told myself that for all these years?
Am I ready to truly become a grown up?
Can I do this?
Are his intentions pure?
Is he like the rest?
Should I even care if I have all these things to be worrying about anyway?
And I just get myself into these tizzies, these fits of one thought connecting to one thought connecting to one thought…
And they most of the time end with me crying and giving up before I’ve even begun
But today I said STOP IT CAMILE! I’m no longer allowing worry to be the first step in the process when navigating my next life move.
This is one of those big girl pill moments. I’m so nervous because yes, we all ask God for stuff but this is a big one for me. I’m taking a risk and doing what I feel led to do but it just seems impossible. But I’m still going forward and standing on what I know is right. If God gave me this plan, I must trust it!
So I’ve come to these conclusions…
1. My life is hectic and full
2. I don’t need a “day of rest” because I have rest in Jesus everyday all day
3. Worrying is stupid because it has never and will never change a situation
4. Worrying wastes time
5. I can do this
It’s gonna take one day at a time but I was obviously made for this type of thing because when times are lax I can’t get a thing done. I need this adrenaline, this pressure, but that doesn’t have to translate into worry and doubt.
I guess it’s just different when it’s for me. I’m a great cheerleader for others but for me this time, right now, today I’m going to act like I have the victory before it is even secure. And sometimes when I go to people for encouragement or advice, it’s either a weak response before they lay their problems on me or they give me some over spiritualized answer from the generic Get this Monkey off my back handbook for Christians. So I’m not going that route this time. Not seeking validation or approval from anyone but God…and my mama (hehehehe). It’s great to receive advice and encouragement and It’s great to be an encourager and exhorter but right now I have to root for me!
Go Milly! Go Milly! Go, Go, Go Milly!