I spoke to her about 3 weeks ago via text message. I asked how she was doing and she told me okay. I'd been thinking of her and after hearing an unfavorable report from a friend, I decided I'd pray for her like I'd pray for myself. Moments before I found out that she'd passed away, I was praying for her. I said, Lord heal her. So when I heard the news, I couldn't cry at first. I eventually let a few tears spill but I felt relief. I felt joy because I knew that she was no longer in pain. In death, God decided to heal Nesha.
It's hard to come to grips with. I still can't believe it. Well it's only been a few days but I selfishly wanted her to make it through cancer a second time. I wanted to see more of her gift, and I wanted to see her happy! Nesha could be herself with me. I told her she didn't have to front with me. Why? Because I was suffering too. With something totally different but in our sickness, we were able to find a kinship. In our twin prayers to God for healing, there was an instant connection.
Last year, while we were on a retreat in Arizona, I had the chance to hear Nesha's pain and daily struggle as we met in a small group. I got to see her vulnerable side and her tears. I will never forget how strong she was through her pain but I will also never forget how tender she was before God letting him know that she didn't like that sickness one bit! In the act of her pouring out her heart, I got to see the whole person. Not just the strong woman she presented to those who admire her, but the fragile child of God looking for him to hold her and for thankful.
Nesha was strength! She didn't give up. She worked toward her goals. She didn't give up. She didn't give up. And I'm taking that spirit of strength that she left behind. I'm taking her determination.
In 2010, doctors told me I had a horrible autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. The prognosis is shakey because the disease hasn't been researched enough. You can research it if you would like to know the details but I won't go into it here. Why? Because today, I am a survivor! I will not give up. I will go through this with grace and strength. I've been fighting for 2 yers and I will continue. Nesha's death and her strength has inspired me to continue on! I can't give up because she didn't. God healed her in death but right now, I'm alive! Sadness, pitty, anger, grief, feelings that it just isn't fair....I'm dome with that! When I let my mind go there, I just feel sad. How can I fight if I'm down?
I will beat this disease in Jesus name and in the memory of Nesha, my grandmother who died of cancer (and suffered from an autoimmune disease), and I dedicate this blog to anyone suffering with sickness. Fight! God is still a healer and he is still real in this messed up society. Do all you can to be healthy and take care of your temple. I didn't ask for this or do anything to deserve it but I won't lay down and die. I won't give up now or ever!
I called her Nesha Boo! I know she referred to herself as Nesha Baby lol but I liked Nesha Boo better! Lol. She laughed the first time I called her that. I'm grateful for the time we had. You will be missed and we will make your name live on as we continue to live God's will.