The Tears Can't be Real!

So I'm pregnant. Yaaaaaaay! Truthfully we were trying throughout the summer but then the doctors told us to stop! But by then, I believe we were already expecting. Didn't find out until I was almost 8 weeks. Doctors had me going through a bunch of tests to see if my lungs had improved. They hadn't. And what did they plan to do. Yep, good old chemo therapy.

Okay, wait. I feel that I'm confusing you. Let me back up. Not sure if I mentioned this in previous posts but about a year and a half ago when I was at Kaiser, the doctors had me on prednisone which is a steroid. My lungs currently have scar tissue. This prevents me from working out normally and sometimes it hurts to breath and I am unable to take a deep breath because the lungs aren't expanding. So the prednisone worked for a few weeks but then had an adverse affect and my lungs felt worse! So next, they proposed that I take chemo, intravenously, for six months. Chemo is given to patients who have autominnue diseases. It can possibly stop your body from attacking itself. But the thing is, it MAY work and you're left with a 50% chance of NOT being able to have kids. So I rejected that! Like I felt like my whole being said no! I took myself off the prednisone and went the natural route. I left kaiser and found a homeopathic doctor. She really helped me feel better. Changed my eating habits and was feeling great.

And then I went to Vegas, fell off my healthy diet. And started eating crappy again. Womp! I felt so bad. And then I ended up in the ER in July. Chest pains! New hospital. One of the BEST hospitals for autoimmune conditions in the Southern California area. And they said it was my lungs, told me to go to a rheumetlogist. I didn't. Ended up back in the ER in Augst! Great. Crap!

So I finally made that appointment, met with a primary care physician. She told me not to get pregnant because though I was opposed to chemo in the past, I needed to consider it because it may save my life. She referred me to a rheumetologist. What was the first thing that doctor said? Chemo. This time, I simply said okay. You just get tired of fighting. And honestly, after the other doc told us to cease trying to get pregnant, we had signed up to adopt! I was soooooo excited! I was having my baby no matter what the devil tried to bring my way. So when the rheumetologist brought up chemo, I said okay and we even planned to harvest my eggs so we could try again later. So I was bummed but hopeful. And then I began to pray. Because who the hell wants to take chemo?

And I tried a 3 day fast. I TRIED. It's funny now, guess who was stopping me? Never had I felt so sick while fasting. I mean I literally felt like I'd die if I didn't eat. And when I ate all my normal foods ( salads, green smoothies, chicken and rice-yes I was starting to pick back up on my healthy diet), I couldn't eat it! My body was saying no! But it wasn't my body. It was my baby! I prayed and tried to fast for three days and on the third day of my fast, I took a pregnancy test. It's just funny. Makes no sense. I'd convinced myself that I had a period in October...yeah I didn't. And it took the pregnancy test just to weed that out. I thought I was missing my ever faithful period due to stress or endometriosis (I thought that was the pain I was feeling a month ago but it was my baby implanting into my uterus. Ha!).

Pregnant. Pregnant! Pregnant? I just felt so weird and so...weird! Lol. And I knew at that momet I'd either beat myself up for going against the doctors orders or look at this as a miracle. I chose the latter. I chose joy! I'm having a baby.

And I'm emotional. And I pretty much cry everyday. The slightest things hurt my feelings. I cry at movies and shows. I cried at Law and Order today. I never cry while watching Law and Order...

I'm happy about the news but I have to pray daily to remain positive. The doctors prognosis isn't too great. They feel like the baby will obstruct my lungs. The visual is scary. But I stand firm on the fact that God knows everything. When I made that choice to take chemo, I already had my little miracle baby growing within.

And now I'm 12 weeks! It's going by fast! I'm nervous but I know that God will see me through this. I didn't think I'd be able to make it through sickness and God sent me a husband. I didn't think I could continue with the homeopathic remedies and God sent me a baby. Oh, his ways!



Anonymous said...

So happy for you!!

Maria said...

Camile, I had no idea what you were going through with your lungs. I feel horrible, how'd I miss that? Unless, you hadn't mentioned it before. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Now all your baby decor pictures make sense! You are such a strong beautiful woman with strong faith! You also have a wonderful husband who will always love and support you. Best Wishes to you both!

Ms. Camile said...

Thanks Annonymous!

@Maria. Thanks so much! I mean I haven't e really said much about it. I write about it in my blog sometimes but I've been dealing since 2009. When I graduated. I will be fine though I'm sure of it. I hope you and Jamal and sissy can come to the shower!

AllisonPlease said...

Ugh! I shouldn't even be reading this at work let along tearing up. The emotions I'm feeling are so mixed up. However, I truly am so happy and proud of you, your perseverance and your strength to overcome.

Ms. Camile said...

Aww the tears because you love me! Lol. Tanks and keep my family in your payers. We need them.

Brittany said...

I knew on Thanksgiving! lol My nana said she knew at the memorial (cause she has old woman sixth sense about these things). Congrats! That baby is going to be SPOILED!

Ms. Camile said...

Lol I wish I'd known. I felt crazy. And that's right around the time my God daughter stopped liking me lol. I know that's an old wives tale but since I've found out Brittany she does NOT like me!